Woody Allen


My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone I love.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.


Can we actually ‘know’ the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind-a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.

Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you’re dressed for it.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.


It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

80 percent of success is showing up.


My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.

Getting Even (1971)

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)

Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.

Sleeper (1973)

My brain: it’s my second favorite organ.

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

Love and Death (1975)
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you’re getting this down.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I’m talking about.

The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.

Sonja: “Violence is justified in the service of mankind!”
Boris: Who said that?
Sonja: Attila the Hun!
Boris: You’re quoting a Hun to me?

Sonja: 为了全人类的利益,暴力是有理的。

Boris: 这是谁说的?
Sonja: 匈奴王阿提拉!

Boris: 你在跟我引用匈奴人的话?

Sonja: Sex without love is an empty experience!
Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best!

Sonja: 没有爱的性是一种空虚的体验。

Boris: 是的,但在所有空虚的体验里,它算是最棒的那一种了。

Countess: You are a great lover!
Boris: I practice a lot when I’m alone.

Countess: 你真是个好情人!
Boris: 我独自一人时经常练习。

Him: Come to my quarters tomorrow at three.
Sonja: I can’t.
Him: Please!
Sonja: It’s immoral. What time?
Him: Who is to say what is moral?
Sonja: Morality is subjective.
Him: Subjectivity is objective.
Sonja: Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality.
Him: Not as an essential extension of ontological existence.
Sonja: Can we not talk about sex so much?

Him: 明天三点来我家吧。
Sonja: 我不去。

Him: 求你了来吧。
Sonja: 这是不道德的。几点?
Him: 道不道德谁说了算?
Sonja: 道德是主观的。

Him: 主观性是客观的。

Sonja: 道德观念蕴涵着只存在于相关的二元性中的实体之属性。

Him: 但不是本体论存在的本质扩展。
Sonja: 我们能不总谈论性么?

Boris: I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.

Boris: 我穿过树林的时候在思考耶稣的事。如果他是个木匠的话,我想知道他打个书架收费多少钱。

Without Feathers (1975)

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Annie Hall (1977)

There’s an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort. One says, “The food at this place is really terrible.”
The other says, “l know, and such small portions.”
That’s essentially how l feel about life: full of loneliness, misery, suffering and unhappiness…and it’s all over much too quickly.

I never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.

I fell that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be like terminal cases and blind people, cripples. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. So when you go through life, be thankful that you’re miserable. You’re very lucky to be miserable.

Annie: lt’s so clean out here.
Singer: Because they don’t throw garbage away. They make it into TV shows.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Side Effects (1980)

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

I bought her this handkerchief… and I didn’t even know her size.

Deconstructing Harry (1997)

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I’d choose air conditioning.

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

Doris: You have no values. With you it’s all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!


The most beautiful words in the English language aren’t “I love you” but “it’s benign.”

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.

Standup Comic (1999)

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said “no.”

I’m not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year’s Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

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